Fast Enough

Tomorrow I run my first 5K in almost 18 years, and I am nervous as heck! Every time I think about it I get all shaky and my stomach turns. I'm not sure why I'm so nervous. I've been running this distance for the last 2 weeks, so it's not like I haven't or can't do it. It's not like I have anything to prove. I just need to go out there and do my best. But for some reason, I'm kind of freaking out.

Is it because I checked out the course and it is a tough one with some big long hills? Maybe a little, but I've been running tough courses with hills. Or, is it because I'm having flashbacks to high school cross country meets where doing my best wasn't always good enough. Perhaps.

I have blogged in the past about how I have a hate/hate relationship with running. It was the one thing that I really did not want to do to get back in shape, although I knew that I would get great results from it. Why? Because back in high school and college I ran track and cross country and I got burned out.

The months and weeks before track and cross country seasons were filled with personal trainers and lots and lots of running. Once the season started, my life was dominated by running, working out, and of course school work. I was expected to be an A student and the best runner in school. Talk about pressure.

Meet days were filled with anxiety and dread. I was under so much pressure to compete and to win, that I began to hate running. It was no fun. I did my fair share of winning, which felt great, but it was not enough to win. I was expected to run my personal best time, each and every time. And that's just not realistic.

The result of this unbearable pressure. A complete breakdown of sorts. After being one of the top runners in my school for the first 3 years of high school, I failed to make the varsity squad the first meet of my senior year.

Ever have a dream where someone is chasing you and you can't run, your legs won't move? Like you can't pick your legs up because they are stuck in cement.

The pressure was too much for my little shoulders. The weight was too much to bear. I couldn't run. I couldn't run fast enough to escape the pressure, because it was never fast enough.

Now, 18 years later, as I prepare myself for a 5K, the anxiety is still there but the pressure is of my own making. This one is for me and the weight is not unbearable. I can do this. I can run fast enough, because fast enough is just doing my best.

I did make it back onto the varsity squad that year and I even got a scholarship to run in college. Not too surprisingly, running took a back seat to having fun!

Update: I did it! I finished with a time of 27:10...my goal was 30 minutes! And I was only 30 seconds shy of a medal(top 3) in my age group! I feel GREAT!